People who have been sick, people who are unemployed, people who have lost their sense of confidence, or people who have made a lot of money, suddenly the other way around. People who suddenly feel like they deserve something because in a way, when you allow yourself this experience is because you feel you deserve it. You justify it to yourself. You come up with good explanations for why you of all people can do this.

I think the big distinction for me is to figure out what betrayals take place because the relationship had disintegrated in some way, or degraded

I need to understand what you were thinking about me while this was going on. Did you even think about me? Did you think what this would do to me or to our kids if we have kids. Did you feel guilty about it? Were you tortured in any way or did I disappear from your screen and you were so grandiose that I didn't exist anymore? Did you want me to find out? Are you relieved that it's come out? Do you actually want to come back, and are you coming back just because it's convenient to you or are you choosing me again? I think the most important future in the trust is not only that you won't do it again, but that you really are choosing to be with me again, and that you're not just here because it suits you or because I make the money, or because we have a family.

ESTHER PEREL: Because it's comfortable. And not that you're here while you're thinking about the person there. That goes hand in hand with something else. I think that's probably the most important thing about hurt and the breach of trust is I come to you and I say to you, “I'm really sorry.” That we know from any trauma that it's the wrongdoer coming to acknowledge what they've done. If the perpetuator isn't able to acknowledge it, and I'm not calling these “perpetuators,” but we know in the the experience that when you hurt someone, nothing helps you more than the person who hurt you to say to you, “I have remorse and I feel guilty for hurting you,” even if they don't feel guilt about the experience of the affair itself.